Am I Sleeping?

“Am I sleeping? Have I slept at all? This is insomnia.” Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

For a small percentage of folks who are taking the anti-malaria Malarone, one side effect is insomnia. I happen to be a part of that small percentage. I am not necessarily complaining because I am burning the candle on both ends, as I am working (via online) in Portland while simultaneously doing research in Kenya. So 3-4 hours of sleep, why not? I remember, a South African once told me, he would rather stay up with me all night and talk than sleep. He said, “Staci, let’s sleep when we are dead.” We stayed up all night and we shared stories that no one has heard or will hear. If I could and had this chance with all of you reading my silly posts, I would rather stay up all night and listen to your stories than sleep.

Another side effect of Malarone is lack of appetite. I could lose a couple pounds, so no complaint there. All the participants have changed me in one way or another, however this particular participant changed my eating habits. It was the man that wanted me to bring him water. He was also complaining about the food rations and how he needed more food. He missed meat and he questioned why other families weren’t willing to help him out for a year or two. At the time, I thought that was a little extreme and a long commitment for another family, however something disturbed and changed me in what he said.

After that interaction, I attempted to skip lunch, mainly to feel hunger and remind myself how grateful I should be in eating food. I say attempted because I have a habit of befriending folks in the kitchen and Jon and Anna in Kakuma noticed my absence.

The JRS Nairobi cook has also taken a liking to me. When I refuse lunch, she has continued to put a heaping serving in the fridge for me for dinner. Since the Nairobi JRS Guesthouse doesn’t serve dinner, I am grateful for the care. I am not sure if I will extend this eating habit when I return to USA, but the hunger does ground me in a way that keeps me awake through the blur of sleepless nights.

Yesterday, we had 35 people, including 2 babies. It turns out when you tell community members that something is going to happen at such and such time, people come to see what is happening. Only 15 were invited. This was one of the most difficult groups because of the size and my own language barriers. Most were Congolese and as I attempted to speak the very little French I knew, I was regretting that I spent more time infatuated with a boy in my 2 years of High School French class than paying attention. The group was super happy to hear me speaking in French and wanted me to continue the whole session in French. Unfortunately, I know about 10 French sentences. One sentence is not repeatable and most likely offensive in a group setting and another one is “I cannot speak French.” So, although I set their hopes high, of course, the monolingual American brought their hopes crashing down.

The common language that brought everyone together was Kiswahili. We had a Kenyan JRS staff and a South Sudanese participant from the university. The university participant was like a Kakuma participant on steroids. This was his first time in running a workshop and all he needed from me was direction. He jumped in and led the group discussion. Normally, I would have said co-led but most of the time folks were speaking in Kiswahili and I didn’t want to break up the flow of conversation, on the account for me to understand what was going on. All I knew there was dialogue going on and the JRS staff and this university participant were containing it.

Unfortunately, I missed a lot of the conversation. However, I did pick up some of dialogue when they started speaking French. I inserted myself when they went back and forth in English and Kiswahili and used words like mandates, IOM, and resettlement.

From my understanding, the group were wanting people outside of them to solve their issues. So, I stopped the conversation because that is the opposite of what the project is all about. The project forces people to look inside themselves and recognize the gifts that they bring to the table. The program pushes folks to recognize their own power, skills set, and capacity to change their situation. It doesn’t negate that they need support, rather it encourages them to critically think about how they can be a part of the solution. The project’s mission is to create a space, time, and place for folks to be heard, seen, and valued.

So I interjected. I saw some disappointed faces. The conversation began again. I asked one by one community members to lead the discussion with the university participant. I was told the tone changed, by the JRS staff person after the session. I was told that that folks started to rely less on what the outside community could do for them but rather more about what they could do in their own community to change their situation. I am not sure if my interjection helped support this tone, what I am sure of is that I could not have had the discussion without the university participant and JRS staff. I had so many barriers. The group was too large, my language and cultural incompetence, and my sleep-deprived body could not and would not support the containment of such a large conversation.

We ended the group with a gratitude circle, where everyone offered gratitude to individuals. One participant said to me, “Thanks for coming here and bringing hope that we can be together. What we learned we will bring back to our communities and with courage we will continue.” I am not sure if I am bringing any hope, per se, but what I know is that I am asking for physical places and spaces for communities to come together and dialogue. I believe it is the communities that are creating those spaces of hope.