Love More. Hope More.

How long 'til my soul gets it right Can any human being ever reach that kind of light I call on the resting soul of Galileo king of night vision King of insight – Indigo Girls, Galileo

I have been through a rollercoaster of feelings. Feelings that I have been harboring for decades. Every day, I grapple with the thought of who chooses where people are born. Who chooses that a certain population must suffer? I am not looking for answers. I don’t think there are any answers. What I do know is that the next person tells me God chooses, I am going to become an atheist. Because quite frankly the God I believe in, suffers along with the people who are living in misery. The God I believe in mourns and attempts to remove misery. It is human beings who are terrible. It is human beings that are remarkable. I have met the face of God, every time I hold a child’s hand or bear witness to a story. I have met God in Kakuma and she is fucking angry.

I am moving beyond the honeymoon phase of this journey. It is not the weather, it is not the people, it is me. Today, I ran around UNHCR at 3PM. This is the hottest period of the time of the day. I ran wanting to feel my perception of the suffering that is going on. All I could do is feel my own selfish suffering. My suffering of my body shutting down of exhaustion. My sleepless nights. My bug bites. It may-be the heat induced stupor but I found myself moving beyond myself to what can I do now. I can’t do much, but I can still try. I will not give up. Note to self, self I may need another 3PM run very soon.

By the end of the next 2 weeks, we hope to do workshops for 150+ participants. We have 14 people trained the in the workshops. I am not sure that this program will be sustained by partners however I am trying to look at the positive side, over 160+ people will have an opportunity to co-create spaces of hope. My research? My research is moving along.

I am on unsteady territory. Last week, the confusion started when I went for a Tusk Hard Cider in the UNHCR compound and I saw a quiet neighborhood of houses with air conditioning, electricity, and running water. I saw basketball courts and tennis courts. I saw excess. I may be a little jealous of the air conditioning but I was sickened of the excess. Just recently, there was a wave of UNHCR corruption. According to KANERE (2016), UNHCR investigated 5 UN staff for fraud. Many fear more fraud exists. I am sure there is. And yet if it is not for UNHCR then what? Who would protect these people?

The UNHCR (2017), “works to protect and assist refugees everywhere” (para. 1). It is an agency that has and is helping millions and millions refugees. It is a good agency and does good work. I just wish the excess and waste was not so apparent. I have been asked by JRS staff, will I ever work for UNHCR? I reply, I am not sure. To be honest, I am not sure what exactly I am doing. The only thing, I am sure of is that I am just going to do it with a lot more love and hope.

On the way back from the drink, we crossed the street and I saw Kakuma. Who chooses where you are born? Who chooses?